Dear friend
You once smiled and told me out of the blue, with such confidence
"When people ask you "Why" you've just gotta respond "Why not", it always catches them off guard!"
We were still kids then. I was still struggling to integrate into an entirely new society,
when I barely had a place in the old one, or any one.
You helped fuel that somewhat defiant spirit that didn't have a need to fit in, that needed to be itself.
Yet you were still working the hardest of anyone I know. Not to fit in, but to make others feel like they belong.
And that's who you were. Twice the person that the rest of us turned out to be, in what seemed an effortless manner.
You were one of those few that never pressured anyone into being like everyone else or that bullied them for being different. At school, you were the smartest while everyone else was busy being popular or chasing crushes.
You've influenced my taste in music several times,
which kept that spirit alive in moments that felt like the lowest of the goddamned lowest.
Into adulthood
I made it a point to visit you where you worked every time I was in town, even if for a brief moment.
We'd hug, smile, joke and catch up.
In those brief moments and otherwise,
you were profusely supportive of whatever I was pursuing out there. You always listened to everyone,
you with your great big smile and reassuring voice.
You never judged, and you never shamed me for moving away or creating that distance needed to grow.
Behind the smiles I always noticed glimpses of the shit you dealt with. You always recognized my pain too,
and everyones -- and from that I respected your strength, your resilience, your raw empathy and compassion for others.
Hearing those stories from everyone gathered for you the other day, I got the sense of how much light you brought into
the lives of family, friends and colleagues who spent the most time with you. You gave everyone your all.
You were just 26, two days away from your 27th -- yet you gave a lifetime's worth to
everyone who was lucky enough to know you. Even in those brief moments.
The last time I saw you was shortly before I left for what would be 8 months.
I remember you told me that you were sick, yet there you were still smiling, still working the hardest.
I don't know if anyone including you knew the extent of it.
While I was away you showed support for my photography, and feeling like
there's not much else that holds that sense of purpose it gives,
that meant the fucking world.
I only had two more days left out there. I'm only sorry that you passed, that I didn't get to catch up with you one more time.
And I'm sorry for that distance.
Sitting there the other day, hearing talk of god, church and questions -- I imagined you being there with us
joking about those things, objecting to them, us laughing together with friends once more. That had to be the greatest solace.
Then I saw a brave mother carry her son for what had to be the first time in a long time, and the last time.
It was like a speeding train with brakes that had been sabotaged. I tried holding my tears for you like a fool,
breaking that first rule of "Why not". Why not bawl and let it all out for the loss of someone who was so magnificently pure at heart
Now here I am mourning the utterly amazing person that your family raised, that you yourself made,
a selfless person full of goodness that everyone should strive to be more like.
You were an old soul residing in someone so young.
I've got this one last cigarette I've been holding on to for a couple of weeks for this, just to cope while remembering you.
I miss you so much, and I'll keep you alive in good memories and lessons you unknowingly taught.
Rest well.
All my love to your mother, your family and everyone mourning you in this time. You gave so much to the world, whether we knew it or not.
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